A Thing Worthy of Pre-mention;
If I do not post this rage with modern male society somewhere… Well, I’ll either explode with road rage on the highway one day- like in that film about the man stuck in traffic (Michael Douglas) who killed everyone because it was the f*cking last straw, or I’ll internally combust in the middle of playing Friday night Jeopardy with Alex Trebeck.
“‘I’ll take “What In The F*ck Are These Ass-wipes Up To Now?’ for 500, Alex.”
In all seriousness- if you don’t like frustrated, obscenely verbose speeches, over-reactionary and shamelessly irate sentiments, despicably brutish phrasings and internet up-on-my-high-horse keyboard slapping – then this is only going to annoy you. And it’s really just a shout from me into the void, which tends to listen well, and knows I’m just letting off steam. I think it should be allowed given what’s unjustly expected of me simply for being female.
So rage…. here comes the scary scary rage. Ohohohh…ho. ho. ho.
****
Dear men (whom are disgusted by female body hair),
As men, you statistically have all the money. (You’ve allowed women to own 1% of land globally because you got it and we don’t.) You also have heaps of time. Primarily due to the fact that compared to women (Don’t start with that “oh, yes I do” and “oh, no I don’t” business, I’m talking about men as a gender compared to women as a gender, globally. Not you personally, so cool it.) -you rarely clean, child-rear, cook, look after the mental health of the community, have long hair to manage, or deal with porn culture and rape culture. Plus, you have even more bonus time what with not being pressured to wear crippling high heels, to learn to count every bloody calorie, to drown yourself in smelly tanner or to cut open your body to stuff it with silicone. You also don’t seem to have partners who believe that your sexiness should or could be improved by you going to “stripper-cise” three times a week. You don’t get catcalled or stopped in the street by creeps much, you don’t monitor your body moment to moment, you can orgasm quickly, usually leave the birth control management to women and bonus round- no period or pregnancy. My god, you don’t even need a sit down to empty your bladder, nor really require a near by bathroom to do it in. You’re rolling in time! The most precious resource of all. So here’s a wayyyyy great idea. You have the time, the money, and the hatred of body hair so… YOU SHAVE! Yes, you. YOU bloody shave. And I mean- shave it f*cking all. It’s been made all too clear by you, that body hair repulses you. Soooo why do you have any? Stop body shaming women and start taking a good hard look at your own furry neanderthal selves. You too, have a ton of it. Do break out some cash for that full body waxing (At ‘Beaucage’ in Boston, that’ll cost you $895.00 before tip, per month to get everything from your ears to your anus waxed raw), and if that’s not enough- and trust me, it won’t be enough, here- then I’ll give you a quick body-shaving 101 lesson right now. Hair grows in different cycles and are each in different growth stages at any given time. One hair could be growing like mad, while another is falling out and a new one growing in it’s place… again, all at different times. (Hence, new hairs slowly popping up the same week you waxed.) So, to remain hairless and scruff-free, you must shave your body on a daily basis, man-bro-dudes.
Every day, soak all parts of body with hair in room temp. bath for 30 mins. Gently exfoliate with mild abrasive (fragrance and dye free- no bar soap) body wash for an additional 30 mins. (If you use a loofah, please do replace weekly.) Then dry off well. When skin is no longer moisture soaked, get back in that tub, now it’s shave time. You want all that dead skin out of the way before shaving but you don’t want your skin to be soaking up water as it will swell and you won’t get a close shave. You hate prickly women? Don’t be prickly. In fact stop being a prick, full stop. But I digress. Now you need to shower soak- not tub soak, in lukewarm (not hot!) water for 10 mins. Apply shaving cream (again- no fragrance, oils, dyes, or aerosols) gently both up and downwards, side to side and then in circular motions. Remember to buy the $45+ razor pack, the cheap disposable ones nick after a few swipes. Now you get to spend the next hour and a half shaving your entireeeeeeee body to silky softness. Don’t let your skin get too wet but don’t let it dry off either.
Phew, that took ages, but we’re not done. Because you hate body hair of any sort and need that super close shave- you’re going to get in-grown hairs. And you’re going to get redness and itching. Off to the kitchen in your bathrobe you go now, find the aspirin tablets. The expensive ones with no coating please. Now pour about 30 of them into a grinding bowl and grind them into a fine power. Good good…. now add a tiny bit of distilled water and a moisturizer free of dyes, fragrances, menthols, natural herbs and mints, parabins or paraphens, waxes and silicones. Yes it’ll take you fifty years of label reading and online shopping to find a single one. But you do want a hair-free life, yes? Now rub your home made aspirin mask all over your body before redness and swelling kick in. It’s bad for your skin and no woman needs a rashy guy. So now your done! Oh wait, did I forget the other 3/4 of the process? Certainly not. In between shaving (every day) you actually have to take days off where you will indeed be prickly and fuzzy because you need to apply Beta Hydroxy (BHA) or Salicylic acid (4%), a topical Retinol, and an anti-bacterial such as Benzoyl Peroxide (5%) and leave them on for 7-12 hours (best to do while sleeping). You must never apply them if you have shaven in the last day or you will burn yourself and be crying on the floor for relief from this fire-ant like hell. (Think, “tracker jackers” from The Hunger Games.) You need to apply these, the BHA is going to exfoliate your skin chemically to make sure you have a nice cell turn over rate and aren’t getting pore build up, flaking, trapped follicles or extra layers of sebum, and dead skin- shaving all the time and not doing this is just asking for in-growns and rashes. Please do not confuse BHA with AHA (Alpha Hydroxy Acid). AHA can not penetrate the natural sebum or oils within the pore, which you will need if you’re going to stop lumps and bumps from shaving. You absolutely must use the Benzoyl everywhere you shave too- including around but not on the genitals. (Although to be honest, I personally don’t really mind if you chemically sear off your own balls at this point, because your attitude up till now has frankly- sucked.) Remember tho, not on shaving days (Afraid we all have to have to have stubbley, hairy days… either that or have giant abscess-y rash weeks, you decide.)You see, the hair that you so detest- is actually important for maintaining optimally healthy skin. It is there to protect you in numerous ways and it helps keeps your skin’s PH balance level as well. It’s like a healthy little bodily Eco-system. A rain forest if you will, minus most of the actual fruit and wildlife.
Take a moment before dressing to give you bikini line (and sack in your case, my man-braws) a little time to re-balance it’s PH without fabric rubbing against it. And mother of god- if you dry with a towel- make sure it was washed with a little bit of bleach and ZERO fabric softeners. No dryer sheets either or you’ll know the meaning of regret. Hey, I don’t make the rules and hairless was your idea.
Dooo doo dah dooo. *Elevator Music* Dooo dah doo dooo
Hello, welcome back. While we’re waiting, this is the perfect time to mention something else that women might want you to do for them. Some reflection. Let’s reflect together. I’d like you to take this quick moment here to reflect on what other things you’d like people to get rid of that contribute to their health but aren’t attractive enough for you. Well except reverse it for women’s wants and whims this time. For example, women don’t much like when men pass gas around them. Especially in a give-no-f*cks manner that leaves them feeling like they’ve unwittingly wandered into a horror film gas chamber.
Perhaps we could encourage you to get your colons removed to relieve that turn-off for women. I mean partially anyway- within reason, of course.
Remember, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to accommodate women’s personal bodily preferences in their male partners. And fair is fair, is it not? Ah that should be about half enough time, but let’s move on because I’m a woman with a hell of a lot of shit that I have to do- that you don’t.
So. All this excessive shaving and (obsession with) hairlessness will mean you are to become a filthy playground for bacteria and irritants… and not the good or healthy kind. The kind that is pus-filled, itchy, stingy and sometimes means you need to pop a festering abscess with a sterilized needle. SO use the damn Benzoyl, jackass. Please. Remember that after 7-12 hours, you need to wash it off well and wait another 5-8 hrs before actually starting the previously mentioned shaving process. P.s.- You can not be using scented shampoos. Never bath salts or oils either. Remember that “natural” means f*ck all- poison ivy is natural, you don’t want it on your skin, unless you’re trying to get out of class in the third grade. “Dermatologist Tested” says nothing about whether those test results were good, bad, or horrible. Be careful with deodorants as even fragrance and dye-free ones can block pores and give you something that I did consider linking a picture of- but then chose not to be remembered as resentful to the point of sadism. Conditioner use depends on your skin and it’s sensitivity- but as it’s made to leave a film over your hair to protect it – It will also leave one over your skin and that means trapped dirt, sweat and more dead skin. Spray-on leave-in conditioner could be an option, but you may need to trade soft head hair for bodily hairlessness (a sort of hairlessness that is to be your new religion at this rate.)
Lastly I’m going to tell this to you straight, because I respect you, more than you seem to respect women. If you are one of those guys who hops in the shower with bar soap…. why don’t you just clog your pores with bees wax and a can of WD-40, and forget the whole thing. It’s bad news. And you be very careful were you choose to spray any cologne, a freshly shaved chest won’t just sting, it’ll flare up if bothered enough.
And finally, rather than see you wander into a deeper level of Dante’s inferno if you are at all acne prone, particularly on your body, and want to shave parts or all of your body- you will very seriously need to find an appendices- A, B, and C to add to this because that’s a much rougher ball game than average clear skin shaving. It’s a ball game with words like “suppuration” and “pustules”, equipped with special tools called “extractors”. I’m just saying- look up “Acne Conglobata” if you ever want to have a good time. Or mentally destroy your friends. Your appetite. Or just to vomit the night away.
Think I’m just having a pissy fit or joking? Ach, dearest ignoramus…or is it ignorami, in the plural? …If you’re shallow, selfish and brain-washed enough to demand these things be done by others for you- lest you vomit from having to experience human bodies being human bodies- you can sure as f*ck do it to yourself too- spend your four hours a day on body hair maintenance and f*ck off with your sexist comments until then. If you think body hair is gross- news flash, you’re more coated in it than most of us women – logic concludes that that would also make you disgusting, repulsive and intolerable as well. You’re also a special snowflake though as “hypocrite” is all yours for the taking.
(Hey, by the way- I did go to school for professional skin care and hair- and it was worth it, just to explain what *ss-hats you are being, hombre dude-bros.
You. You. You. Youuuu maintain yourself first. Look at your own self rather than treating women as expressions of your culturally brain-washed preferences. Or be prepared for some seriously time consuming, physically painful, less than healthy, potentially dangerous and degrading expectations to live up to of your own.
Healthy Expectation Hugs and Careful Razorblade Kisses, XOXOXO,
– Your mum (haha, no really),
-Very Chafed Women
(*Oh, here’s what an extractor kit looks like. Used for both ingrown hairs and acne- some sets have 7-15 additional tools:) Extraction Tools
Rant over and out.
**This Is A Response Written Specifically To The Male Attitudes Expressed In This Article Jokingly- But Are All To Alive And Present In Reality: http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/female-body-hair-may-stop-women-meeting-twats-2015061699290
[Written By: HJKL]
HJKL Writes 